For the past few months I haven't been myself, But I can put on a good show. Sometimes I feel so alone and not very important to anyone. I have been pretty depressed and not knowing how to pull myself out of it is driving me crazy. Darrin and I have been having a really hard time with Gabe. He has pretty much given up at school. His attitude is horrible. He is mad at his father and his stepmom and he is taking it out on us. I got him back on his medication and he has started seeing the counselor at school 3 times a week.
The past 3 days have been a lot better with Gaby and I hope he keeps it up, I can't handle anymore contention...not right now! I hate the gray of winter. I miss my family. I really hate not being close to them, but I guess as time goes by the closeness fades and its not such a big deal anymore. I can live without my friends, but I need my family.
My children are growing up without the important relationships of their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins and that makes me very sad. My Grandparents are the most awesome people I have ever had the pleasure to know and my kids don't know them. I have so many nieces and nephews and all but two of them don't know my kids.
Don't mind me, I am just sitting on my pitty pot. I am not looking for any advice or sympathy. When people tell me..."Laura, just pack up and move closer" I get really frustrated. I am not a millionaire, I can't just pack up and move. Even though it sucks, we do have a life here. Darrin has a good job and he is good at it. We have never had to go without the things we need and I love him for that.
I have a really good, close relationship with his mom and for that I am grateful! I do wish I was closer and now is probably the hardest time, With G-ma and G-pa getting older, Amie having the baby any day now, Matt being shipped off for 15 months, I am just tired of missing all of the important events in the family. I was really sad that I missed Sammy's wedding and a friend of mine took a really big step in his life and I guess he didn't feel that it was very important for me to know about until after the fact. When I sit here at night after Darrin has left for work, the boys are in bed and the house is quiet, all I have to do is think and I get pretty lonely. Ok, I'm done!
We are getting ready for Jareds 5th birthday. He is so excited. He wants a race car birthday. I keep trying to explain to him that he will go to school in August, but he thinks that because he will be 5 he can go to school after his birthday. Such a silly boy. We are also preparing Gabe to become a Deacon at church, He told me that he is afraid to pass the sacrament. He doesn't want to mess up.
Anyway...I hope everyone has a very Happy Valentines Day. I love and miss you all. XOXOXOXOXO (my family you freaks!)
6 comments:
Awe Laura!, Well, it might make you feel a little bit better that even though you aren't there, we are always thinking about you. I know it's not even close to a good consolation but we love you and miss your family too. Do you guys rent or own in Ohio? I can't ever remember.
amie
I feel for you and even though I have experienced missing "our" family it's not quite the same. I can always drive a days drive to visit them and when I leave its super hard. It's hard to not be around you because we used to be so close to each other. When I remember those times its hard on me so I try not to dwell on it. It was always so fun hanging out with you making each other laugh and share our thoughts and feelings. You are a great person and I hope that some day you can be closer. I fortunately have had really special times with Gaby and I was able to see him grow at a young age. That is a memory I will never forget. I know he doesn't remember it but atleast I can tell him stories about how much his Aunt Jill loved him as a baby and used to sing to him and play with him as he grew into such a smart kid. I am sorry to hear that he is struggling in school. He has so many things stacked against him that it must be hard. Thats how I felt when I was his age. I was only a year older then him when we moved to Kenmore and I had just been takin away from Dad and I was trying to find out the kind of person I was individually and thats really hard with 9 bros and sis's. Plus you had just had Jakey and Lisa was pregnant with Cody, and I was emotionally upset about things all the time. Just try and be patient with him and be empathetic. It's got to be so hard to have Gabe as his father, and even though Darrin is the best thing to happen to him, you know Gabe will always be his biological father and he will unfortunately try to have a relationship with him through out the rest of his adolesents and probably through adulthood. I hope I don't sound like a soap box. I just felt a lot of feelings after reading this post that I thought I should share them with you. I love you so much lolly! Jilly
Laura thought I would be upset by this post by saying she could live without her friends, but I am not I love her and her family and want for her to be happy. If she left I know she would keep in touch she loves me to much lol. And Jill made me cry. Even though this family is so far apart I feel the love.
Lulu, you have to remember that, although we are close enough to get together once in a while, all of us are living our daily lives without eachother. I mean, besides Matt, the closest family to me is 8 hours away. I know the weather doesn't help the mood either--I am used to winter, but it still makes me a little blue, too. Anyway, my point was that I have to strive everyday to feel like I matter--I try really hard to be a good sister in my ward family and try to have loving moments each day with my family, because otherwise, I really DON'T matter to anyone here. I have to make a difference by serving and being needed to matter to anyone else. The past few weeks that I have been sick I have really felt that, too. I have been laying in bed and it gets very depressing because life just passes by. I have realized that I only get out what I put in, and lately, that's not much! It will be a great day when we are all together again, but until then, all of us have to make the best of where our choices have led us. Someday, even in February, I will love Montana with all my heart, and I will have enough money to visit my far-flung loved ones. But for today, we'll just do our best to love and support long distance! (which reminds me--we should get the cousins quarterly started up again). I sure love and miss you! Hang in there!
Well I guess I need to add my two cents in as well. I love you Laura and I dont like to be away from you and your family, you know twins are supposed to share a special bond and be close to each other. I feel alone too. I even live closer to family and i still am one of the last people to know things. I love you lots and I miss you even more. Give the family a kiss from us.I will call you soon.
Rara,
I just want you to know that I deal with my kids being gone and my grandkids being far away every day. I have to stay busy and not think about how much I love you guys and how much I miss you all or I am a mess. For 30 years you guys were my whole life. I focused on you kids, because my relationships were just not what they were supposed to be......I know we will be together someday and I live for that.....I love you and miss you and YOU MATTER TO ME>
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